"Gotta start somewhere"

 If you're never gonna go, it's never gonna grow. I could sit in my chair all day long thinking about what to do or I could just do it. I could reason how I could make it better or I could just write it and learn. What is better to never do it at all or to do it and learn what I could do differently from the last time? What is it that I desire? What does my heart gravitate toward? It will always be there..nagging, pushing, pulling into it is in view and created and purposed it will be that pestering sister that never lets up, until the day I die, whining and creating tension in every area of my life, like birthing pains squeezing the very desire right out of me until it's done. It will not relent until it's won. Keep trying, keep running, like Jonah will swallow you whole then spit you out on shore where you're supposed to be. 

Why?

 Why are so many humans going to a restaurant, cafe, shop to do their work rather than stay home? Well, for me, I believe the biggest reason is distractions. People who work from home want to separate and distinguish being home versus a working environment. I believe some people see the dishes that need to be cleaned or put away, some have animals that maybe they would rather pet all day or who would sit on their keyboard begging for attention, or for some avoid looking at that shelf they need to built this weekend. Either way, these people know their best case in getting their work done is to leave the house. It could also be the knowledge that they just can't make "that cup of coffee" at home. Or another reason could be the desire to be around people, and not be so isolated while having to do online tasks  staring at a screen for eight hours. For others, perhaps the idea of someone serving them. Either way, any time I have encountered one of these very focused individuals, nothing can divert their attention.  I feel some bring their laptops to work at a station in town versus staying home with the idea of a work environment, not so isolated, knowing that good cup of something is waiting for them there, perhaps the same flow of people in and out, they feel like they begin to know these people as a work environment provides. The setting and atmosphere of perhaps lesser distractions than their homes, and finally the ongoing ability to purchase goodies while not having to stop to make lunch, snacks, or drinks; unlimited purchasing power.

Another query I have is regarding why people eat out in public anyway? For instance why do large or small numbers of people gather in town at a restaurant to have personal conversations in public? Why not invite the people who you share a meal with over to your house? Hospitality is not gone. Neither do we have a lack of social people, but is it an American cultural thing or a personal, I-don't-want-to-clean-up after mentality or is it too intimate to invite someone to your home? I don't think that the majority of people I see at shops, restaurants, or cafes are so messy that they cannot have people over to their homes. Especially for those with children...Isn't it strange that they don't meet at someone's house where the kids can socialize in an area they are comfortable rather than being told, "No! Quiet! Walk! No Running!" Why are we doing this to our kids anyway? Is it because we are scared what other people will think or say? Is it because we are trying to be one step ahead making sure they don't tell our kids first? Is it fear based? Or, have we been that mentally conditioned to sit straight, walk tall, and do no other except what the man says to do? 

Stay on Track.

 I used to think that GenX was riddled with ignorance for watching the "news", but for the past week of waking up has taught me that I as well have been doing the same nonsensical thing by participating in the fear-mongering of my generation, YouTube. What was once a place for nice videos has become an information hamlet of disaster ridden plots to distract the mind from pure and true reason that would have me accomplish my own purposes. What is it that each of us should be doing instead of watching? What is our peer position that causes us to further the life within us. The very breath from which we come? The innate desires of our selves that bring vision, future, and hope? How do we start? By just doing what we do best. What comes naturally and never allowing someone else to evade our destiny with words of curses or slander, by not being derailed by misfortune, callousness, or misdirection. By staying true to the purpose and not getting distracted, and if we do, starting where we are and keeping the focus. "Stay on track, never look back..." words from VBS song. 

Temporal or Eternal?

 Where are you putting your time? "Do not be overly righteous, nor be overly wise. Why be self- destructive?" Ecclesiastes 7:16 -International Standard Version. 

Went for a walk today at the mall. I went with the intention of praying for someone. When I got there I saw a couple. I believe it was a mom and son. I would have liked to talk to them, but I chickened out. I decided I will wait until they go back around. Well, by the time I saw them again they were walking out. Timing is so crucial. I also had another opportunity later  in a different situation to hold my tongue and NOT say something, but rather than waiting I spit it out not knowing if I should have said what I said in a different circumstance. Time will play out and I will later tell you if the second decision was best, but I realize they were both risks. One not saying something without knowing the outcome and the other saying something and wondering if I should have waited. The risk should be worth going for regardless of defeat or success, because from what I've been told failure breeds success. We can always grow. We can always learn and we will always know what NOT to do for the next time as long as we reflect on our past mistakes. We remain healthy as long as we don't dwell there, but  rather reflect and decide what could have been done differently. We only have so much time on this earth. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. So, make the most of it while it is yet today!

Will I only?

My heart wants to perform the things I have been amiss to overcome. My heart stays hard when persons deflect their intentions towards me. I reveal my quality when I aim my hardness inwardly. I feel not so stout when I learn the phrases given without a doubt. I harness energy perfectly. Filtering silently, recklessly, endangering the rhythm of eternity. Forever watching as I breathe. Perfectly renounce the blasphemy. Intelligently, I don't go; reminding merrily, something for me in relevance. Don't go chasing water-bends, where you will chase and lend. Relish and mend, fold forth to this end. Silent electric breathing in again. Holding your only worthy entrapment by the feet as a snare, so don't go there. Worthlessly trying to unbend and fend for the tireless end. Eternity waits wrecklessly. Send my heart home before it's spent. Hoping my only time forth is a wireless friend.

2014 alight.

In 2014 I had a six year old son who had recently been diagnosed with a high stimulating hormone which eventually learned came as a side effect to the medicine of a diagnosis that had come six months earlier labeled epilepsy. As a healthy female in my mid-twenties, at the time I believe I may have taken for granted never before having to rely on pharmaceuticals for everyday occasions in order to remain alive or to reap the unnecessary and horrific side effects that spout from having to be under conditions such as these. This terrible diagnosis threw me through a loop. Much exasperation comes from watching our children suffer. With this type of diagnosis the doctors concluded they did not know why this was happening, yet they still prescribed.
At this time I was about to be mother of two and eagerly searched for respite from all of petit mal seizures that the medication itself was producing. I researched areas in which I can prevent these problems and sustain health within my family unit as well as outside. This journey led me to include the use of therapeutic and certified pure essential oils as well as a company called Reliv which was a supplement drink brought to me by a dear friend Denise Williams in Hendersonville, NC and supplied my oldest with nutrients necessary to sustain his life. Seemingly the times I was able to give my oldest a shake or apply pure therapeutic grade frankincense oil (which apparently helped break the blood/ brain barrier) the petit mal seizures would cease. The medication was supposed to be preventing the grand mals. This was a hard season, because not only was my son experiencing these traumatic events, but also his dad and myself had been separated at this point three difficult years and still had no true rythym to the visitation schedule. It was hard on my son and myself to be away from him during these trying times. I was often sad and scared for my son. During this seven year period that my son suffered from this diagnosis I found myself holding my breath through most of it, almost wondering if I could breath. There was one point where I was driving and my son began having a grand mal in the backseat. I pulled over and held my son on his side and all of this began one week after receiving his final shots recommended by doctors when children are born. I oftentimes look back and wonder where the people where in my life to guide me to make wiser decisions. Sadness overcomes me when I think about now all the horrible things that are in these vaccines that are so prevalent and pushed for and the women who don't have the knowledge of these atrocities that are inside of these vials being presented to pure human beings at the time of their conception.

 Due to having to share my oldest with his dad, I would only get him every few days early on, but consistently, daily, sometimes multiple times a day would give my oldest these nutrition shakes which would certainly decrease the amount of times  I would see my son seize in a day. 

Soon I was alerted to the fact that the original doctor allocated to my son had prescribed him the wrong medication. I found this out from another neurologist who I drove my son to over four hours away both ways. After further tests by my son's new neurologist, he concluded the above decision. I was able to bring this diagnosis back to the original doctor who after three years of prescribing the wrong medication actually apologized to me! Never would I have thought I would have seen the day where this would have happened. I rejoice even now thinking about the fact that a mother's intuition will push her to receive the best possible care for her child regardless of what others say, think, or do, even that of the professional variety. I am so full of gladness to report my son had way less seizures after this and experienced a more cohesive ability to comprehend and understand things better as the original medicine put him in a trance, a state where most of the time he was not able to respond or react to situations. It was sad and hard to watch as a mother, my son's almost drunken stupor most of the day and only be able to receive a few lucid moments with him before his medication times in which he was fully present and able to communicate. Sadly my son dealt with this three year stint of inability to comprehend and correlate in social situations, which was a tragic travesty because before this my son had been a social butterfly, even causing me an introvert to the extreme put on my daring boots as I was driven to the park several times with blushed cheeks as this brave and bold two year old would walk up to people as the basketball court and ask if he could play. 

This event caused him to be put behind in school, but thankfully now he is brilliant (as he has always been) and grew out of this diagnosis about four years ago. He was finally able to fully come off all medications. He is now a sophomore in high school with exceptional and daring plans for his future. 

Wreck

 Hello, this one is from the brain of memory again. I remember asking the Lord about a year ago, "What did I do wrong?", as I waited on the side of the road for the police car who was coming to take down the incident report that I happened to be involved in when driving. A girl from another state who was driving back to her home from her bachelorette party had her vehicle loaded down with friends and luggage and could not see out her rear window and I guess failed as well to look into her side view mirrors to see me next to her as she got over. Thankfully, even as I noticed her getting over and slowed down to allow her to have room, (as I didn't have anywhere else to turn due to the road barrier being directly to my left). I also honked my horn to alert her, but she said after that she didn't hear me, because her music was too loud. She still hit me, but thankfully none of the four of us involved were hurt. The only thing that was damaged was my vehicle which thankfully my insurance paid for. Interestingly enough there was not even a scratch on her new vehicle. So weird. I contemplated this since then wondering what could have been the reason for me not avoiding a wreck. So far, two reasons have come up and both of them are amazing! So wonderful how difficult situations can be turned for good.

The first I've noticed was that with my accident I was able to receive medical care up to a certain amount which afforded me the ability to receive chiropractic and massage therapy. Although the accident was minor and I probably wasn't going more than forty miles and hour even at my slowed speed, still the impact did a number on my neck. Either way, I was glad to have my first, second, and third chiropractic session ever by New Dawn Chiropractic in Candler, NC. She did a spectacular job and now I've gotten so used to the feeling of alignment I feast on this delicacy often. Since then, I have moved from Asheville, NC to East Flat Rock, NC and currently go to Dr. Tom at Mills River Family Chiropractic which is a lot close to home and a member of the doctorate society which I can trust. Both doctors have done an amazing job at my recovery and I am certain my body tells me now when I am in need of chiropractic care. 

The first blessing was ascertaining this type of medical care which before I had been neglectful to receive due to fear.

 After the wreck, chiropractic care became part of my world, giving me the sense that I was grateful to have participated in this seemingly haphazard circumstance. I would have never before had the pleasure of experiencing wellness that comes this type of care. Within my very first sessions with Dr. Dawn; I remember being confused about why I crying on her table. Dr. Dawn explained to me that this type of work often contributes to released emotions. The feeling of letting go was unfamiliar to me. I often found since I was a child I had to stuff my emotions inside. There were many reasons for this which perhaps I will get into another day. I also concluded from somewhere that being a single mother afforded me the need to be 'strong' and keep going, but this moment on the table I was allowed to release my burdens that I had suffered from and the ability to let loose the chains that were binding me. As I felt the weight of this sadness fall I discovered the beauty of a life encompassed in allowing people to care for you. People who are skilled, people who care, people who love and people who choose to be there. Suffering no more alone, I felt the deep connection that I had found a friend in Dr. Dawn when she comforted me with her expertise and the knowledge I did not need to hold shame for expressing my emotions in this way. I appreciated her kindness and was healed by the touch, not simply medical, but her wisdom in association with emotions as well as tact.

I have carried on this healing journey since then of allowing myself to fully heal. Whether I know in advance what I'm suffering from or not, I still continue down the road of self-love and discover each time I read a new book, become victorious over a trap that I've allowed myself to be in for some time, or chat with a friend about growth; I'm happy from where I've come.